New Life, Fresh Focus

I’m getting married tomorrow. The State of Florida considers it my third marriage. The Catholic Church says it will be my first. The reason for the difference is not mathematics, but definitions.

Civil law considers marriage a contract between two people defined by law that, like most legal contracts, may be broken. Church law considers marriage not a contract but a sacrament, written not on paper by two people but on their hearts by God; a covenant impossible to break.

After two lengthy investigations, Church attorneys and judges determined my first marriages never existed. Yes, vows were exchanged and were blessed by priests. But both investigations included the findings that I was – in simple terms – not psychologically able to make a binding lifetime commitment. Therefore, since I was not capable, there was no ink in the pens that wrote the covenants on our hearts. The marriages were annulled.

One reason the Church is granting more annulments is because of advances in science. Medicine and psychology have discovered much about how our brains work, and why we do what we do. The Church has recognized these discoveries that explain the human limitations that undermine our decision-making. For example, the Church used to routinely deny Catholic funerals to people who committed suicide. Yet, the Church now understands that most people who kill themselves are not “of sound mind,” unable to make reasoned decisions. If a person is incapable of reason, there can be no sin.

Pope Francis is shifting the focus of the Church from an
overemphasis on legalism to reflect a God of understanding
and forgiveness.

There is a more important reason for the increase in annulments. By the mid-20th century, the Church had become bound in strict legalism, demanding blind obedience to a God of judgment. The reforms of Vatican II were reminders that our God is also a God of love and mercy, of understanding and forgiveness. Pope Francis has, through his writings and his preaching, emphasized the need for ever further transformation. In Evangelii Gaudium, he decried any expression of “a narcissistic and authoritarian elitism” in the Church. And in a homily last month, Francis emphasized spiritual charity in proclaiming, “The law is not an end in itself.”

Such change in focus is slow in the Church. Sadly, it is sometimes non-existent for some clergy. In the eyes of many faithful, the clergy don’t just speak for the Church, they are the Church. And when clergy substitute their own faulty interpretations of Church doctrine for Catholics seeking guidance and healing, lives can be ruined and the faithful can be lost. No, this is not an exaggeration. Here is just one example.

About a year ago, while checking in for a medical appointment, I told the receptionist my fiancée would be driving me home. She brightened and cheerily asked if we had set a date for the wedding. I responded that we were waiting for rulings on our annulment petitions. Her face immediately turned dark. She then recalled a heartless example of clerical legalism.

Her friend’s daughter had met with her parish priest to ask about an annulment. This woman had divorced her husband because he was physically and psychologically abusive. Although she had escaped a dangerous and destructive situation, her Catholic understanding of the permanence of marriage troubled her. The annulment process, designed to foster healing after the trauma of divorce, would appear to be appropriate for her. The parish priest did not see it that way.

The priest told the woman that divorce was a sin, that she was wrong to leave her husband, and that she must return to him to avoid going to hell. This blind, outrageous command shattered this woman’s spirit and exponentially multiplied her misplaced guilt. A devout Catholic all her life, she stopped going to Mass. The priest had strapped her in a straitjacket of “narcissistic and authoritarian elitism,” repudiating the purpose of the annulment process and ignoring the loving and merciful nature of God.

This woman’s story is an example of the attitudes the Church is attempting to erase. While Jesus said it was not His intent to abolish the law, a major focus of his ministry was to reveal to us the true loving and forgiving nature of the Father. God is not a Judge bound by mandatory sentences. He is our loving Abba – Daddy – who wraps us in His arms and never lets go. He will always love us and, no matter what we do, will always forgive us.

Helen Johnson and I pray for a long,
happy life together.

This is the shift in focus Pope Francis is engineering. It is a reminder that people who represent the Church are fallible humans, too, and are not always accurate in their representation. It is our responsibility to see past clergy who have not yet overcome their own outmoded understanding of the Church so we can enjoy the beautiful fellowship of the Kingdom that God intends for us.

My joy in the Kingdom will be exponentially multiplied tomorrow when Helen Johnson and I say “I do.” The ultimate purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven, which we all hope is our ultimate destination. But along the way, we plan to fully enjoy the Kingdom of God already established here on earth with each other, our family, friends, everyone who loves us, and everyone whom God brings into our lives.